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Cinderella and the Crystal Slipper

A Traditional Family Pantomime by Brian Luff

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This edition of Cinderella & the Crystal Slipper is published by Brian Luff, to
whom enquiries regarding current royalty rates and performance licenses must be addressed.
Telephone 020 8340 9419. Email: mail@pantoscripts.biz. An application form to apply for a
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Cinderella & the Crystal Slipper

A Traditional Family Pantomime by Brian Luff

LIST OF CHARACTERS

Cinderella.A servant girl

Prince Charming.Handsome son of the King & Queen

Fairy Godmother.A Fairy Godmother

Buttons.Cheery Manservant at Hardup Castle

Camilla Hardup.Cinderella’s Stepmother

Baron Hardup.Cinderella’s Father

Britney.Cinderella’s Ugly Stepsister

Donatella.Cinderella’s Even Uglier Stepsister

Dandini.Prince Charming’s Loyal Valet

Muggsy.}

Puggsy.} Party Planners

The King.Prince Charming’s Father

The Queen.Prince Charming’s Mother

Plus villagers, dancers, singers, and courtiers.

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES
ACT 1

Scene 1.The Village Green

Scene 2.Hardup Castle

Scene 3.A Clearing in the Woods

Scene 4.Hardup Castle

Scene 5.The Wine Cellar

Scene 6.The Village Fete

Scene 7.Hardup Castle

Scene 8.You Shall Go To Ball

ACT 2

Scene 1.The Royal Ball at The Palace

Scene 2.A Spooky Bedroom at Hardup Castle

Scene 3.Next Morning At Hardup Castle

Scene 4.Grande Finale

ACT I

Scene 1

Overture. Enter Fairy Godmother on tabs.

Fairy Godmother Welcome to our pantomime, a place of festive cheer.

It’s time for our story to unfold and magic to appear.

There’ll be loads of adventure, as well as lots of laughter

And if things go well, as I weave my spells, we’ll live happily ever after.

I am a Fairy Godmother, a role that’s unforgiving,

The hours are long, the pay is poor, but it’s better than working for a living.

Soon you’ll meet Cinderella, a poor and wretched girl
Whose life will be turned up-side-down and end up in a whirl.

As Cinder’s Fairy Godmother I'll give her all that she dreams of
She’ll go from rags to riches and find happiness and love!

She starts to exit in classic fairy style, then suddenly goes flat footed and plods.

Fairy Godmother (Aside to audience) It's hard when everything has to rhyme, you know. It takes ages
to write...

She exits.

Tabs open to reveal the village green. Opening routine featuring dancers, villagers and chorus.

Song 1

At the end of the song, all exit. Enter The Ugly Sisters in spectacular attire, accompanied by a suitably
amusing musical theme.

Britney Good evening, peasants!

Donatella Bonjour, mon yokels!

Britney That's French, that is.

Donatella Stand by your beds, the ladies have arrived.

Britney The weekend starts here, lads!

Donatella Party time!

Britney Yes, it's time to introduce a bit of well needed class into the proceedings.

Donatella I am the very’ brassy and classy Donatella Hardup from Hardup Castle, and this is my twin
sister...

Britney Britney Hardup at your service.

Donatella And she's sen’iced plenty, I can assure you.

Britney Cheeky mare.

Donatella Now, let's see what we have here.

Britney (looking at audience) Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, look at this lot. Ugggh! They’re even scruffier
than the audience we had in here for the last show.

Donatella Oy, you lot. Don’t you know there’s a dress code in here?

Britney Yes, only beautiful people...

Donatella Like us...

Britney Beautiful people in beautiful clothes are allowed. And if your name’s not on the door, you’re
not coming in.

Donatella And Britney here will be checking. She used to work as a bouncer at Stringfellows.

Britney I did, Donatella, I did.

Donatella That’s after she finished her career as a professional boxer in the East End.

Britney Fifty fights, no defeats.

Donatella Ugggh! There’s a woman down there in the front row, she’s so bloomin' plain, I’ll bet when
she peels onions it’s the onions that cry.

Donatella sneezes into a huge handkerchief.

Britney Bless you.

Donatella Thank you.

Britney Have you got a cold, Donatella?

Donatella No, it's not a cold, it's my allergies again.

Britney Oh no, not your allergies again. You're a martyr to your allergies.

Donatella I am. I'm allergic to everything.

Britney She's allergic to everything.

Donatella Cheese makes me sneeze.

Britney It does. Peas make her wheeze.

Donatella I call them wheezy peas.

Britney Not cheesy peas, wheezy peas.

Donatella If I have a Chinese, it gives me knobbly knees.

Britney Oooh, I love a Chinese. But I wouldn't eat a Chinese if it gave me knobbly knees.

Donatella You'd be a fool. A fool!

Britney Trees give her Dutch Elm Disease.

Donatella And that's a tree's disease.

Britney Tell them about the meat.

Donatella Ooh, I don't dare.

Britney Go on, tell them.

Donatella Meat makes me bleat. (She bleats like a sheep)

Britney Meat makes her bleat.

Donatella It makes me bleat like a sheep. (She bleats like a sheep again)
Britney That's very unusual isn't it?

Donatella "Medically exotic" my doctor calls it.

Britney Tell them about the eggs.

Donatella Eggs give me skinny legs.

Britney Like a daddy longlegs.

Donatella They do.

Britney And she can't eat bread.

Donatella No! If I eat bread...

Britney Tell them...

Donatella I have to go into the shed,

Britney She does...

Donatella And go to bed.

Britney So, cheese makes you sneeze.

Donatella Yes.

Britney Peas make you wheeze.

Donatella Yes.

Britney A Chinese gives you knobbly knees.

Donatella Tick.

Britney Trees give you Dutch Elm Disease.

Donatella Very painful.

Britney Meat makes you bleat.

(Donatella bleats like a sheep)

Britney Eggs give you skinny legs like a daddy longlegs.

Donatella Yes.

Britney And if you eat bread you have to go into the shed and go to bed.

Donatella I'm a martyr to me allergies.

Britney You poor thing. I'd feel terrible if it wasn't for the fact...

Donatella What?

Britney That I don't like you very much.

Donatella Sorry?

Britney Can't stand the sight of you, dear.

Donatella I don't like you either.

Britney Snap.

Donatella But then, whoever said sisters have to be the best of friends?

Britney No-one. Most of the time we hate each other.

Donatella Swords drawn.

Britney Handbags at dawn. Shall we go and squabble over a nice cup of tea?

Donatella Good idea.

Britney (To audience) She's not allergic to tea.

Donatella I'm not allergic to tea, no. (Beat) Tea makes me wee.

Britney & Donatella (To audience) See ya. Wouldn't wanna be ya.

Donatella Au revoir, peasants!

The pair exit to their funny music. Enter Buttons.

Buttons (to audience) Hello everybody! My name’s Buttons and I'm very pleased to meet you. I see
you've already met the Ugly Sisters, Britney and Donatella. Britney’s got a face like a flower hasn't
she? A cauliflower. And Donatella's got so many lines on her forehead she has to screw her hat on like
this. (He demonstrates while making metallic squeaking noises). But let's not talk about that horrible
pair. Let's get to know each other. Are you going to be my friends, boys and girls?

Audience Yes!!!

Buttons Then I'll start off by telling you that Buttons is not my real name. It's just a nickname. I got the
nickname "Buttons" because when I was a kid I always forget to do up the top two buttons on my
jacket. Tell you what, whenever I come on stage, will you shout out, “Button up, Buttons!” to remind
me? Shall we try that, boys and girls? I’ll go off and come on again...

Buttons Hello boys and girls!

Audience Button up, Buttons!

He practices with the audience a couple of times.

I work for Baron Hardup and his new wife Camilla Hardup at Hardup Castle. It’s a hard life at Hardup
Castle. The Baron’s not a bad boss but his wife Baroness Camilla is horrible, which is probably why
Britney and Donatella are so bloomin' horrible as well. But there is one nice person at Hardup Castle.

The Baron’s daughter, Cinderella. I love Cinderella, but I’ll probably never pluck up the courage to tell
her. Cinderella’s always so kind to me. Even through she has by far the hardest time of all at Hardup
Castle. Donatella and Britney make her work so hard and they never lift a finger to help. Poor
Cinderella...

Enter Cinderella.

Cinderella Button up Buttons!

Buttons Cinders! I was just talking about you.

Cinderella What were you saying? Something nice I hope.

Buttons I always say nice things about you, Cinders.

Cinderella Are you blushing, Buttons?

Buttons No.

Cinderella I’m only teasing. Your step-mother sent me to fetch you. You’d better come back to the
castle with me right now and see what she wants.

Enter Prince Charming and Dandini, deep in royal gossip.

Prince Charming So I said to Prince Harry...

Dandini What did you say?

Prince Charming "Harry," I said, "You really don't look anything like your father."

Dandini What did he say?

Prince Charming Well, he looked me square in the face, and he said...

Dandini What?

Prince Charming is suddenly distracted by seeing Cinderella for the first time.

Prince Charming I say, Dandini. Who's that very pretty girl over there?

Dandini Prince Harry said that ?

Prince Charming No! He didn't say that. I'm saying that now. Who's is that very pretty girl?

Dandini I don’t know, Your Highness. I haven’t seen her before. But I can find out for you.

Camilla Hardup can be heard calling from off stage.

Camilla Hardup (off) Cinderella! Buttons! Where are you, you lazy pair? There’s firewood to be
gathered and floors to scrub.

Buttons Come on Cinderella, we’d better go. I’ll race you to the castle.

Cinderella and Buttons run off. Dandini and Prince Charming walk downstage. Tabs close behind
them.

Dandini It sounded like the lad called her “Cinderella”.

Prince Charming Cinderella? What a lovely name.

Dandini But she's a servant girl, Your Highness. Your parents the King and Queen would never let
you date a girl like that.

Prince Charming I know. Sometimes I envy you, Dandini. You can go out with whoever you choose.
Dandini True. But I’d rather be a Prince like you. Instead of being a servant.

Prince Charming So you’d like to be a Prince would you?

Dandini Your Highness?

Prince Charming You know, my friend, I think you may have given me an excellent idea.

Dandini Idea?

Prince Charming Dandini, you and I are going to change places.

Dandini What?

Prince Charming Switch identities.

Dandini But, why would we want to do that?

Prince Charming So that I can meet Cinderella, of course.

Dandini But...

Prince Charming No “buts”, Dandini. While we're away from the palace we shall swap clothes and
I'll pretend to be your servant. It's agreed.

Dandini Very well. But now we need to head back towards the palace. And you need to tell me the
end of that story about Prince Harry...

Dandini and Prince Charming exit. Tabs open to reveal....

Scene 2

Hardup Castle. Enter Baron Hardup and Camilla Hardup.

Camilla Hardup My dear, it's time that Prince Charming met my delightful daughters Britney and
Donatella. I have invited him and his valet Dandini over for dinner.

Baron Hardup Splendid! But he must also be introduced to my daughter Cinderella, as well.

Camilla Hardup Cinderella? Cinderella?? She’s far too busy to meet the Prince. She’s got to sweep
the floors, polish the doors, sweep the rugs, and wash up the mugs. Then she's got to dust the book
shelves and the cook's shelves and then empty the hearth and rinse the bath.

Baron Hardup That's far too much work for one girl. She hasn't got time to sweep the floors, polish
the doors, sweep the rugs, wash up the mugs, dust the book shelves and the cook's shelves and empty
the hearth and rinse the bath.

Camilla Hardup Oh, yes she has.

Baron Hardup Oh, no she hasn't!

Camilla Hardup Oh, yes she has!

Audience Oh, no she hasn't!

Ad lib with audience.

Baron Hardup What are Britney and Donatella doing while all this hard work is going on?

Camilla Hardup Their diary is absolutely crammed. Mondays at the nail bar, Tuesdays at the
hairdressers, Wednesday dress fittings, Thursdays at the tanning salon, Friday afternoon Botox, and
Friday evening is their speed dating night.

Baron Hardup Speed dating night?

Camilla Hardup Yes. They go to the one at Crystal Palace Athletics Track. They give the men fifty
metres start, then try and catch up with them and get a date.

Baron Hardup They should have that in the Olympics. What about the weekends?

Camilla Hardup Well they sleep, of course. All those beauty treatments and athletic events are
completely exhausting.

Exit Baron Hardup and Camilla Hardup. Enter Ugly Sisters.

Donatella (To Britney) So Britney, I hear that mother has invited Prince Charming to come to Flardup
Castle.

Britney Yes, I'm so excited. I’ve had to change me knickers three times already today.

Donatella Of course the Prince will only have eyes for me. I’ll win him over with my English Rose
beauty.

Britney English Rose? More like a great big stinging nettle.

Donatella Oooh, you're nasty.

Britney You're nastier.

Donatella Let's face it...

Donatella and Britney (Together) We love being nasty!

The Ugly Sisters perform a nasty duet together.

Song 2

At the end of the song, enter Buttons.

Buttons Hello boys and girls!

Audience Button up, Buttons!

Donatella Buttons, I’ve been looking for you all day. Have you finished putting Odour Eaters in all
my shoes.

Buttons Yes, Miss Donatella.

Britney And have you sprinkled talcum powder in my wigs.

Buttons Yes, Miss Britney.

Britney Including the chest wig?

Buttons Yes, Miss Britney.

Donatella Good. Now go and fetch a big pair of tweezers, I need you to spend the rest of the
afternoon plucking the hairs out of my back.

Buttons (to audience) Ugggh! (to Donatella) Yes, Miss Donatella.

Britney He’s cutting by toenails first.

Donatella No he isn’t.

Britney Yes he is...

The ugly sisters exit, still arguing. Tabs close.

Scene 3

Enter Fairy Godmother on tabs.

Fairy Godmother Our story’s under way now and the Prince has seen Cinderella.

He’s hatched a plan to meet with her, and he seems a decent enough feller.

The Prince is wearing a disguise, a clever little device.

Now I’ll dress as an old woman and give poor Cinders some advice.

Fairy Godmother starts to exit.

Fairy Godmother I do so love dressing up.

She exits.

Tabs open to reveal a Clearing in the Forest. Enter Cinderella, singing quietly to herself.

Cinderella What a lovely day. The sky is blue, the grass is green and there feels like there’s magic in
the air. Even those gnarled old oak trees look splendid today.

Tree Oy, who you calling gnarled?

Cinderella Pardon me?

Enter Fairy Godmother

Fairy Godmother Cinderella! Don't you know that you should never talk to trees.

Cinderella (To Faiiy Godmother) Oh! You startled me.

Fairy Godmother I'm sorry my dear.

Cinderella I don't mean to be impolite, but who are you exactly? And how do you know my name?

Fairy Godmother Oh, I know everything. But, I think I may have taken a wrong turning somewhere
this morning. Which way is it to the village?

Cinderella It’s that way. Just follow the path.

Fairy Godmother I heard you singing to yourself just now and it was very lovely. You’re a very
pretty and talented young lady, you know.

Cinderella Talented? Pretty? Why, thank you.

Fairy Godmother If you just have a little confidence in yourself you'll go far, my dear.

Cinderella Do you really think so?

Fairy Godmother Absolutely. Now, I must be going. Good-bye, my dear.

Exit Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella Good-bye. (to audience) Well, that was all very strange. I wonder how that old woman
knew my name.

Enter Prince Charming and Dandini, gossiping as usual. They are dressed as each other.

Prince Charming And so I said to Prince Charles, "Is it true that you talk to house plants?", and he
said...

Dandini What did he say?

Prince Charming spots Cinderella.

Prince Charming What an extraordinary coincidence. Aren’t you Cinderella?

Dandini Prince Charles said that?

Prince Charming No! I'm saying it now! What an extraordinary coincidence. Aren’t you Cinderella?
Cinderella Suddenly ever\>one knows my name.

Prince Charming (As Dandini) My master and I saw you in the village. But you ran away.
Cinderella Yes, I had to dash off and do my chores at Hardup Castle.

Dandini Allow me to introduce myself. I am Prince Charming.

Cinderella Your Highness.

Dandini And this is my loyal valet and friend, Dandini.

Prince Charming (bowing to Cinderella) At your service.

Dandini (as Prince Charming) Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go on a royal walkabout in Stoke on
Trent and then open a supermarket in Cricklewood Broadway.

Cinderella Cricklewood Broadway?

Dandini Christopher Biggins was unavailable.

Cinderella Oh dear.

Dandini Farewell.

Cinderella (bowing) Good bye, Your Highness.

Dandini exits

Prince Charming (as Dandini) I thought he’d never leave.

Cinderella Sorry?

Prince Charming Well, now we can talk about ordinary things. Things that... um.... servants talk
about?

Cinderella And what exactly do servants talk about?

Prince Charming Oh, I don't know. The weather? Wholesome recipes for fish? The latest cleaning
products?

Cinderella Cleaning products? I don’t want to talk about cleaning products?

Prince Charming No, of course not. You’re far too pretty to talk about... cleaning products.
Cinderella You flatter me, Dandini.

Prince Charming I have to admit, I do feel a little flutter in my heart when I’m talking to you,
Cinderella. Don’t you feel it too?

Music starts.

Cinderella Where’s that music coming from?

Prince Charming It’s a magic forest, Cinderella...

Cinderella dances with Prince Charming (as Dandini) and they sing a love duet.

Song 3

Prince Charming Cinderella, you must come to the ball at the palace.

Cinderella But Dandini...

Prince Charming Don’t tell me, let me guess. “You have nothing to wear for a ball.”

Cinderella How did you know I was going to say that?

Prince Charming It won’t matter what you wear, my love. You'll be the star of the show!

Cinderella That would be wonderful.

Prince Charming Come on, let’s go for a walk and talk to the trees.

They run off together. Tabs close. Enter Muggsy and Puggsy on tabs, carrying suitcases.

Puggsy We've been walking for miles. I'm exhausted. Why did we have to come all this way?

Muggsy The king and queen advertised for the two best party planners in the kingdom to organise
their Grand Ball.

Puggsy But we haven’t organised a ball since 1982. And that was just in a room upstairs in a pub in
Clapham.

Muggsy What about when we organised that end of series party for Dick and Dom in Da Bungalow?
Puggsy We were FIRED from that job!

Muggsy Oh yes.

Puggsy Because you kept calling Dick "Dom", and Dom "Dick".

Muggsy It was an easy mistake to make. I always thought Dick was "Dom", and Dom was "Dick".
How was I supposed to know that Dick was "Dick" and Dom was "Dom". Anyway, you used to call
them Ant and Dec.

Buttons enters.

Buttons (To audience) Hello boys and girls!

Audience Button up, Buttons!

Muggsy Excuse me, lad. Is this the right way to Hardup Castle?

Buttons Yes, it's just at the end of this road. I work there, so I can show you. May I ask, why you're
going to the castle?

Muggsy I am Mr. Lampwick Muggsy and this my business associate Mr Boregard Puggsy.

Puggsy We are party planners. We're staying at Hardup Castle on route to the Royal Palace, where we
have been engaged as official organisers of the Grand Ball.

Buttons Grand Ball?

Puggsy It's being announced today. It's very hush, hush.

Buttons Wow! I wish I had a glamorous and important job like that.

Muggsy If you want a job like that, lad, you have to learn how to speak with confidence.

Buttons Speak with confidence?

Puggsy If you speak with confidence, you can achieve anything.

Buttons Really?

Puggsy Yes.

Buttons Can you teach me?

Puggsy Of course. First, you have to warm up your voice.

Muggsy We'll teach you a simple warm-up exercise. Repeat after me. " Har! Yar! Bibberty, bobberty,
fiddly fish!"

Buttons I'm not saying that.

Puggsy You want to learn how to speak with confidence, don't you?

Buttons Yes.

Muggsy "Har! Yar! Bibberty, bobberty, fiddly fish!"

Buttons Har! Yar! Bibberty, bobberty, fiddly fish!

Muggsy Again.

Buttons Har! Yar! Bibberty, bobberty, fiddly fish!

Puggsy Faster.

Buttons (faster) Har! Yar! Bibberty, bobberty, fiddly fish! Har! Yar! Bibberty, bobberty, fiddly fish!
Muggsy Excellent!

Puggsy Now that you've warmed up your voice, you have to learn physical co-ordination. This will
make you a more confident person.

Buttons Physical co-ordination?

Muggsy I'll show you. Stand on one leg.

Buttons Like this?

Muggsy Perfect. Now, hop up and down.

Buttons (hopping) Like this?

Puggsy Splendid. Now say the line again.

Buttons (Hopping) Har! Yar! Bibberty, bobberty, fiddly fish!

Muggsy Again.

Buttons (Hopping) Har! Yar! Bibberty, bobberty, fiddly fish! Har! Yar! Bibberty, bobberty, fiddly
fish! Har! Yar! Bibberty, bobberty, fiddly fish!

Puggsy And relax.

Buttons Are you sure I need to do this to get a better job?

Muggsy Absolutely. How do you think Donald Trump warms up before making a big speech?

Buttons I don't know.

Muggsy & Puggsy (Together) Har! Yar! Bibberty, bobberty, fiddly fish!

Puggsy What about George Alagiah before he reads the 9 O'Clock News?

Muggsy & Puggsy (Together) Har! Yar! Bibberty, bobberty, fiddly fish!

Muggsy Oily Murs before he sings a song? Matt Baker before he goes on The One Show?
Muggsy, Puggsy & Buttons (Together) Har! Yar! Bibberty, bobberty, fiddly fish!

Muggsy (To audience) Everyone!

All Har! Yar! Bibberty, bobberty, fiddly fish!

Ad lib with audience.

Puggsy There you go Buttons, now you'll have the confidence to say and do anything you want.
Muggsy Promise me, lad, that you will never forget that advice.

Buttons I promise, I won't. Thanks guys.

Puggsy You're welcome.

Buttons Now, follow me and I will show you to Hardup Castle.

Buttons exits. Muggsy & Puggsy start to follow.

Muggsy (Aside to audience) I can't believe we got him to do that.

Puggsy We're such little tinkers...

They exit. Tabs open for...

Scene 4

Hardup Castle. Cinderella doing housework. Enter Buttons.

Buttons ( Under his breath) Ha, yar, bibberty, bobberty, fiddly fish! Har, yar! Bibberty, bobberty,
fiddly fish...

Enter Cinderella.

Buttons Hello Cinders.

Cinderella What was that you were saying?

Buttons Oh, nothing. Fancy coming for a walk?

Cinderella I can’t, Buttons. I have so much work to do.

Buttons Have you heard about the Grand Ball at the palace?

Cinderella Oh, Buttons, I’d love to go to the ball. But I don’t think Donatella and Britney will let me.
I’ll probably be stuck in the kitchen while it’s going on.

Enter Camilla Hardup and Baron Hardup.

Camilla Hardup What are you doing in here you lazy, good-for-nothing girl? Why aren’t you hard at
work?

Cinderella Sorry, stepmother. I'll get on with it right away.

Cinderella exits.

Buttons Baron Hardup, there are two men waiting in the hall to see you. I found them lost in the
woods.

Baron Hardup Ooh yes, show them in right away.

Baroness They're in town to organise the ball at the palace and the king has asked us to put them up
here.

Buttons exits and re-appears immediately with Mr Muggsy and Mr Puggsy.

Buttons Please, come in gentlemen.

Baron Hardup Welcome to Hardup Castle!

Puggsy (Under his breath) I'd rather stay at the Palace.

Muggsy (ToPuggsy) Ssssshhhh! (To the Baron) Baron Hardup! What a pleasure to meet you. Thank
you so much for letting us stay with you.

Baron Hardup You are most welcome.

Muggsy I’m Mr Muggsy and this is Mr Puggsy.

Baroness Muggsy and Puggsy.

Muggsy Yes.

Baroness You were clearly made for each other.

Puggsy We also have a colleague called Mr Huggsy.

Baroness What a surprise.

Puggsy But he's off sick.

King Mr Huggsy has a buggsy?

Puggsy Yes.

King Oh dear.

Baroness So Huggsy has a buggsy but Muggsy and Puggsy are here.

Muggsy Yes.

Enter the Ugly Sisters.

Baroness Gentlemen, may I introduce my daughters Britney and Donatella.

Britney Oooh, hello boys!

Donatella Look out, Britney, fresh meat in the castle?

Puggsy & Muggsy (Together) Ladies...

Baroness Why don't we leave you young people to get better acquainted. Come, my dear...

Baron Coming, my angel.

The Baron, Baroness Camilla and Buttons start to exit.

Baron (whispers to Muggsy as he passes) Pssssssst.

Muggsy (whispers) What?

Baron (whispers) Watch out for Britney. She's got a wicked left hook.

Muggsy (whispers) Thanks for the heads up.

The Baron, Baroness and Buttons exit. Britney, Donatella, Muggsy and Puggsy walk downstage and
tabs close behind them.

Britney Oooh, he smells gorgeous, doesn't he Donatella?

Donatella Quite exquisite. May I ask, what is that after shave?

Muggsy I'm not wearing any after shave.

Britney Oh?

Muggsy But I did creosote the fence this morning.

Donatella That'll be it, then.

Britney (Deep breath) It really clear the sinuses, doesn't it?

Donatella Can I tempt you to a nibble, Mr Muggsy?

Muggsy Sorry?

Donatella produces some Twiglets.

Muggsy Oh, I see what you mean. No, thank you.

Donatella Oh go on. Have a Twiglet. Let me feed you.

Muggsy What?!

Donatella feeds Twiglets into Muggsy's mouth, treating him like a baby.

Donatella Come on, Muggsy Wuggsy. It's yummy, wummy Twiggly Wigglets. Here comes the train
into the tunnel.

Muggsy No!

Britney I'll feed the other one.

Britney stuffs Twiglets into Puggsy's mouth.

Puggsy No!

Britney Mmm. Yummy, wummy Twiggies.

They both shove nibbles into Muggsy & Puggsy's mouths. The boys struggle to escape.

Muggsy Mmmpph. Nmmmph. Stop it, ladies! Please! We are perfectly capable of feeding ourselves!
Puggsy We really should be going upstairs to unpack. We've had a very long journey.

Britney But it's early. Wouldn't you rather go for a nice walk?

The Ugly Sisters grab the two men firmly.

Muggsy Walk?

Puggsy (Whispers to Muggsy) Just look straight ahead and try not to make eye contact.

Muggsy Where are we going?

Donatella Let us go to the meadow and tiptoe through the tulips.

Puggsy Tulips?

Britney Oooh, you haven't lived until you've tiptoed through the tulips? It's terribly intoxicating.
Puggsy I don't know if I want to tiptoe through intoxicating tulips.

Britney In that case... let us go and whistle in the thistles.

Muggsy Whistle in the thistles?

Donatella Or we could have a few laffs in the daffs.

Puggsy (aside to audience) That doesn't even rhyme.

Britney How about sharing a Mars bar in the laven -dar.

Muggsy A Mars bar in the laven-t/ar.

Donatella I've got it! We'll go and blow our noses in the roses.

Britney How romantic!

Muggsy Look, we do not want to tiptoe through the tulips, whistle in the thistles, or have laffs in the
daffs.

Puggsy (aside) Still doesn't rhyme.

Muggsy And we do not want a Mars bar in the laven-dar or to blow our noses in the roses.

Donatella Well, what do you want to do?

(Beat)

Puggsy & Muggsy Run away?

Britney I've got it! Why don't Donatella and I give you a tour of the castle wine cellar!

Puggsy The wine cellar?

Donatella The baron is very proud of his wine cellar. He likes all his guests to visit it.

Muggsy Wine cellar?

Puggsy (Warming to the idea) Well, maybe we could just take a very quick look.

Donatella You're on!

Britney Gentlemen, walk this way...

Muggsy If I could walk that way I'd be on Strictly Come Dancing.

Tabs open to reveal...

Scene 5

The Wine Cellar at Hardup Castle. Britney & Donatella escort Muggsy & Puggsy upstage. The scene
is set with wine racks and wine barrels. In the centre is a big table covered in bottles, wine glasses and
a great big bowl.

Britney Welcome, gentlemen, to the magnificent wine cellar at Hardup Castle.

Donatella We have over 10,000 bottles of vintage wines here. Some of them are over 50 years old.
Britney But don't worry, chaps, we've got some new ones as well.

Muggsy Why is there plastic sheeting on the floor?

Donatella (Aside to audience) Silly boy. He's obviously never been to a pantomime before. Now, we'll
just put on these aprons....

Donatella and Britney put on big plastic aprons as they speak.

Britney Now, don't forget chaps, you can taste the wine, but you're not allowed to swallow the wine.
Muggsy We can't swallow it?

Britney No.

Puggsy So what do we do?

Donatella My sister and I are both experts on wine tasting, so allow us to demonstrate.

Britney and Donatella pick up two bottles.

Britney You pop it... (They pull the corks out. SFXpop.)

Puggsy Yes...

Britney Pour it... (They pour very small measures into their wine glasses)

Muggsy I see...

Britney & Donatella (Demonstrating) Sniff it, swill it, slurp it (very loud slurp) and spit it out.
They spit their wine into the bowl.

Puggsy Pop it, pour it, sniff it, swill it, slurp it and spit it out.

Britney I think he's got it.

Puggsy & Muggsy (High pitched and excited) Our turn!

Britney and Donatella hand Puggsy and Muggsy two bottles of wine.

Donatella Here you are, gentlemen.

Puggsy Pop it...

They both pop their wine corks out. SFX: Pop!

Muggsy Pour it...

They half fill their glasses.

Puggsy Sniff it...

They both sniff loudly.

Muggsy Swill it....

They swill their wine around.

Puggsy And slurp it.

They both drink their wine down in one.

Britney What are you doing?

Puggsy We did what you said.

Donatella You didn't spit it out.

Muggsy Didn't we?

Donatella No.

Puggsy Show us again.

The Ugly Sisters pick up two more bottles. Routine as before.

Britney You pop it, pour it, sniff it, swill it, slurp it and spit it out.

They spit it out.

Puggsy Pop it, pour it, sniff it, swill it, slurp it and spit it out.

Britney He's definitely got it.

Puggsy & Muggsy Our turn!

The Ugly Sisters hand the boys two more bottles.

Donatella Gentlemen...

Puggsy Pop it...

Muggsy Pour it...

They Jill their glasses to the very top.

Puggsy Sniff it...

Muggsy Swill it....

They spill a lot of wine this time.

Puggsy And slurp it.

They drink their wine down in one.

Britney What are you doing?

Puggsy We did what you said again.

Donatella You didn't spit it out!

Muggsy We got confused.

Britney Confused?

Donatella How can you get confused? What part of "spit it out" is it that you don't understand?
Puggsy Show us again.

The sisters pick up two more bottles.

Britney Now, pay attention this time!

Muggsy We will.

Britney & Donatella (demonstrating together) Pop it. Pour it. Sniff it, swill it, slurp it and spit it out.
They spit it out.

Puggsy & Muggsy (together) Pop it, pour it, sniff it, swill it, slurp it and spit it out.

Donatella They've definitely got it this time.

Puggsy & Muggsy Our turn!

The sisters hand the boys two more bottles.

Donatella Gentlemen...

Puggsy & Muggsy are beginning to slur their words a little.

Puggsy & Muggsy (together) Pop it. Pour it...

They Jill their glasses to the very top.

Puggsy & Muggsy (together) Sssshniff it. Sssssshwill it....

They spill most of the wine this time.

Puggsy & Muggsy (together) And ssssshlurp it.

They drink their wine down in one.

Britney You did it again!!!

Donatella Stop drinking the wine!!!

Muggsy Sorry! We got confused.

Puggsy What are we trying to do again?

Britney We will show you ONE LAST TIME!

The sisters pick up two more bottles.

Britney & Donatella (together) Pop it. Pour it. Sniff it. Swill it. Slurp it and spit it out.

They spit it out.

Puggsy & Muggsy (together) Pop it, pour it, ssshniff it, ssshwill it, ssshlurp it and ssshpit it out.
Donatella That's it!

Puggsy Give usshh two more bottles.

The sisters hand another couple of bottles to the boys. Wine sloshes everywhere during this run.

Britney Here.

Puggsy & Muggsy (together) Pop it, pour it, ssshniff it, ssswill it, ssslurp it...

Donatella & Britney (together) Wait! Don't swallow it!

Pause.

Puggsy (Dribbling with mouth full) Don't swallow it?

Donatella Don't swallow it! Spit it out!

(Puggsy and Muggsy spit their wine all over Britney & Donatella.)

Puggsy Like that?

Britney Not over us! Into the bowl!

Puggsy Into the bowl? OK, We've got it now. Give usssh two more bottles.

Donatella No!!!

Puggsy grabs two more bottles.

Puggsy & Muggsy (together) Pop it, pour it, sssniff it, ssswill it, ssslurp it...

They spit the wine all over Britney & Donatella again.

Puggsy & Muggsy (together) And spit it out.

Britney & Donatella Uggghhh!

Puggsy & Muggsy (faster) Pop it, pour it, sssniff it, ssswill it, ssslurp it...

They take two more mouth fuls and spit it over the Ugly Sisters.

Puggsy & Muggsy And spit out. (Very fast) Pop it, pour it, sssniff it, ssswill it, ssslurp it
Two more mouthfuls and they spit it over the sisters again.

Puggsy & Muggsy And spit it out.

Donatella Stop that!

Puggsy How are we doing? (Hie)

Britney Gentlemen, I can see that you are particularly fond of that particular wine.

Puggsy We are.

Britney Allow me to give you some more.

Britney pours wine from the bottle over Muggsy & Puggsy's heads.

Puggsy & Muggsy Aaagghhhhh!

Britney There you go!

Muggsy Well I think you ladies should try some of this!

Muggsy & Puggsy throw wine at the Ugly Sisters. A free for all breaks out with everyone throwing
wine over everyone.

Donatella Wait!

Britney Truce! White flag!

The wine fight stops.

Donatella I have a suggestion.

Puggsy What?

Donatella I think we have sampled enough wines for one day, gentlemen.

Muggsy I agree.

Puggsy So, what do you suggest we do now?

Britney We could go out for a drink?

The band strikes up. Muggsy, Puggsy and the Ugly Sisters walk downstage and the tabs close behind
them. The four sing a song together.

Song 4

At the end of the song, tabs open for....

Scene 6

The Village Fete. Early morning. Some stalls have already been prepared on the village green. Enter
Prince Charming and Dandini.

Dandini Good morning your Highness. What a lovely day it is today.

Prince Charming I wish I could enjoy it with you, Dandini. But I'm so worried.

Dandini Let me guess. How are you going to tell the king and queen that you're in love with a servant
girl?

Prince Charming You read my mind.

Dandini Why don't you just tell them that Cinderella's my girlfriend. She thinks you're Dandini
anyway.

Prince Charming It's such a mess. You don't know any Fairy Godmothers by any chance?

Dandini Fairy Godmothers? There's no such thing as a Fairy Godmother.

Prince Charming Yes there is.

Dandini Oh, no there isn't.

Prince Charming Oh, yes there is.

Dandini Oh, no there isn't.

Audience Oh, yes there is.

Ad lib with audience.

Prince Charming You'll see, Dandini. There are Fairy Godmothers and there is magic in the world.
Everyone here agrees with me. Don't you boys and girls? I will find a way to marry Cinderella!

The Prince exits. Buttons and a few of the villagers enter. They get on with setting up market stalls.

Buttons Hello boys and girls!

Audience Button up Buttons!

Buttons I'm here to help the villagers set up the stalls for the village fete. It'll be a fun day, but it would
be a lot more fun if Cinderella was here. I do miss her when she's not around. Oops, look out, here
comes the King and Queen...

Enter King and Queen.

King Ah, the Village Fete! My favourite day of the year!

Queen Yes dear.

King I like the Village Fete better than anything. It's better than the BAFTA's...

Queen Really dear?

King It's better than the Oscar's...

Queen Are you sure, dear?

King And it's ten times better than the opening night of Celebrity Big Brother.

Queen (aside to audience) Isn't everything?

King Ooooh, that Emma Willis. I'm a sucker for big blue eyes.

Queen Never mind that. Prince Charming has obviously met a girl and I'm sure he's planning to
introduce her to us today.

King Well, let's hope it's someone with a bit of royal blood.

Enter Muggsy & Puggsy and Ugly Sisters from opposite sides.

Britney (calling out) Hello boys! How are your hangovers?

Muggsy Fine, thank you.

Donatella (To Britney) Let's see if we can bag some extra invitations for the ball.

The sisters go and join Muggsy & Puggsy.

Puggsy Hello ladies. Do you have your ball gowns yet?

Donatella Of course. I'll be wearing my world famous Kylie Minogue outfit.

Britney Which is something you really don't want to miss. My sister in skin tight, gold, hot pants.
Donatella Jealous cow.

Britney We were wondering, gentlemen, now that we're bestest buddies, if you could sneak us a few
extra invitations for the ball.

Donatella For our closest friends.

Muggsy How many close friends do you have?

Donatella Ooh, just a couple. There's Belinda and Linda.

Britney (Whispers to Donatella) Don't forget Lucinda and Melinda.

Britney Oh, yes. Lucinda and Melinda. (Beat) And Bonnie and Connie. Johnny, Lonnie, Ronnie and
Tommy.

Donatella You missed one.

Britney Lonnie?

Donatella You said Lonnie.

Britney Oh, Donny?

Donatella Donny, lovely Donny.

Muggsy Is that all?

Donatella Just a couple more. Charlene and Christine. And Colleen, Eileen, Eugene, Francine, Irene,
Janine, Jean, Kathleen, Maureen, Maxine, Nadine and Auntie Pauline. Oh, and Keith.

Muggsy All done?

Britney and Donatella We'll be forever grateful.

Puggsy We'll see what we can do.

Prince and Dandini enter and approach the king and cpteen.

Queen My darling boy.

Prince Charming Mother.

Queen Well, where is she?

Prince Charming Where is who?

Queen Your bride to be? Your fiance? Come on my boy, I know something's going on. When are we
going to meet her?

Prince Charming I'm sorry to disappoint you, mother, but I don't have anyone to introduce you to
today.

Queen Well, there's only one thing for it, then. I will invite every single unmarried girl in the kingdom
to the ball.

King Every one? How are we going to fit them all in? There must be ten thousand of them.

Queen We'll build an extension.

King It'll have to be a very large extension, my dear.

Queen Then, we'll put up a marquee in the garden.

King That won't be big enough!

Queen We'll move the ball to Wembley Stadium if we have to. And if Prince Charming can't find a
Princess among that lot, I will put him in a monastery.

Prince Charming A monastery?

Britney Oh great, that's all we need. More competition.

Donatella Ten thousand good-looking women crammed into the royal palace? We don't stand a
chance!

Buttons addresses the villagers as the king and queen step forward.

Buttons Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Their Majesties the King and Queen.

King My loyal subjects, the queen and I would just like to say that we hope you all enjoy your day at
the village fete.

Queen Yes, it's so lovely to see all you grubby peasants having a good time.

Villagers Hoorah!

King (to Muggsy and Puggsy) Gentlemen, how go the preparations for the big event?

Puggsy Very well, Your Majesty.

King Have you found a master of ceremonies to announce the guests as they come in?

Muggsy Of course.

King Is it a celebrity? Stephen Fry perhaps?

Muggsy No.

King Jonathan Ross?

Puggsy Not exactly, no.

Muggsy They were both terribly expensive.

King Well who is it?

Puggsy Well, we thought we'd ask Buttons to do it.

Buttons Me?

The villagers all cheer.

King Buttons?

Puggsy Yes.

King Baron Hardup's hapless servant Buttons? A master of ceremonies for a Grand Ball?

Muggsy He's very popular, Your Majesty.

Puggsy And he has tremendous self confidence. We've trained him ourselves.

Muggsy Show him, Buttons.

Buttons (Proudly with a flourish, after clearing his throat) Har! Yar! Bibberty, bobberty, fiddly fish!
King What on earth was that?

Puggsy Trust us.

Muggsy He can do it on one leg as well.

King Oh, very well. Buttons it is.

Buttons Wow! I'm going to be at the ball!

King (To Muggsy & Puggsy) But he'd better be good or it'll be curtains for you two.

Muggsy Oh dear.

King (To Muggsy & Puggsy) I will throw you both into my deepest, darkest dungeon...

Puggsy Yikes.

King You will be fed nothing but stale bread and luke warm tap water...

Muggsy Oh no...

King And for twenty-four hours a day you will be forced to watch "The Only Way Is Essex."
Muggsy Not that!

Puggsy Anything but that!!!

The Ugly Sisters approach Prince Charming and Dandini.

Donatella (Whisper) Look, over there! That's Prince Charming and Dandini.

Britney (Whisper) Are you sure?

Donatella (Whisper) Yes! I can smell royal blood at twenty paces.

Britney Oh, there you are Your Highness! You're looking terribly handsome today. Isn't he looking
handsome Donatella?

Donatella Very handsome. Very, very handsome.

Britney Very, very, very handsome.

Donatella Very, very, very, very...

Prince Charming I'm sorry to interrupt you ladies... but I'm afraid I have absolutely no idea who you
are.

Donatella (high pitched notes) Awkward!

Britney (whispers to Buttons) Psssssst. Buttons, introduce us to the Prince.

Buttons Oh dear, if I must. (To Prince Charming) Begging your pardon Your Royal Highness, and
Dandini, may I introduce Britney and Donatella, the... (clears his throat) gorgeous daughters of
Baroness Hardup.

Prince Charming What... lovely names. And such unusual fashion sense.

Donatella Oh yes, we make all our own dresses. I trained under Dolce & Gabbana.

Britney She was under them for years.

Donatella And on top of them. And we make all our own lingerie.

Britney Eat your heart out Ann Summers.

Prince Charming How delightful.

Donatella We're so looking forward to the Grand Ball. Will you be there, Your Highness?

Dandini Of course the Prince will be there. He's one of the royal hosts.

Britney Oh, Princey Wincey, you simply must let us take you for a quick Mocha Choco Latte at
Starbucks.

Donatella How about a nice big chocolate muffin?

Prince Charming That's very kind of you, ladies, but I'm afraid I have royal duties to attend to.
Donatella Perhaps another time.

Britney (To Muggsy & Puggsy) Oy, you two. Let us promenade around the green.

Muggsy I'm sorry?

Britney Grab an arm, sunshine.

The Ugly Sisters grab Muggsy and Puggsy by the arms and yank them away. Enter Cinderella.

Buttons Hello Cinders.

Cinderella Button up, Buttons!

Buttons Glad to see that your sisters have decided to let you out of the kitchen for a change.

Cinderella I'm afraid they didn't let me out. I snuck out while no-one was looking. It's such a lovely
day, isn't it?

Buttons It's always a lovely day when you're around Cinders.

Cinderella Is it true you're going to be master of ceremonies at the Grand Ball?

Buttons Wow! News travels fast. How did you know about that?

Cinderella It's trending on Twitter. Isn’t that Dandini over there?

Buttons Yes.

Cinderella He's so dreamy. I’m sure I'm falling in love with him.

Buttons Oh dear.

Cinderella What's the matter, Buttons?

Buttons I wish you'd fall in love with me.

Cinderella I do love you, Buttons. You're like a brother to me.

Buttons I know, Cinders. I suppose I'll just have to settle for that.

Cinderella kisses Buttons on the forehead and he exits along with the villagers. Cinderella makes as if
to leave and bumps into Prince Charming, not entirely by accident.

Prince Charming (As Dandini) Cinderella! How lovely to accidentally bump into you.

Cinderella Dandini! I wasn't expecting to meet you either. How very "accidental."

Prince Charming (As Dandini) Isn't that the most marvellous thing about the world, Cinderella.
Sometimes when things happen by accident it can make dreams come true.

Cinderella Do you really think so?

Prince Charming (As Dandini) Absolutely.

The Prince takes Cinderella's hand and they sing a love duet together.

Song 5

Tabs close after the song. Enter Fairy Godmother on tabs.

Fairy Godmother Soon Cinders' poor rags will be gone and the duckling will turn to a swan.

Her makeover's my sacred duty, she’ll soon become a ravishing beauty.

But then it will become alarming when she learns that Dandini is really Prince Charming.

Fairy Godmother starts to exit.

Fairy Godmother (aside) Would you believe it, the batteries in my bloomin' wand have run out. I'll
have to go to WH Smiths and buy some more. I think it takes three double A's...

She exits. Tabs open for....

Scene 7

Hardnp Castle. Cinderella is on her knees scrubbing the floor.

Cinderella Oh dear, the work here at he castle never seems to end. (Reads list) Now, let me see, I've
got to sweep the floors, polish the doors, sweep the rugs, and wash up the mugs. Then I've got to dust
the book shelves and the cook's shelves and then empty the hearth and rinse the bath. (Sighs) Oh well,
at least when I'm working on my own I have time to think about Dandini.

Enter Baroness Camilla.

Camilla Hardup Cinderella! Daydreaming again, instead of getting on with your duties.

Cinderella I'm sorry, stepmother, I’ve nearly finished.

Camilla Hardup Well get on with it. It's almost time for you to go and help Britney and Donatella get
ready for the ball.

Enter Buttons waving a piece of paper.

Buttons Hi boys and girls!

Audience Button up Buttons!

Buttons Cinders! I have fantastic news! Prince Charming has sent you a personal invitation to the ball
this evening.

Cinderella An invitation? For me? But how?

Camilla Hardup Invitation? What invitation???

Button Baroness Camilla. I didn't see you there.

Camilla Hardup Give me that!

She snatches the invitation from Buttons and reads aloud.

Camilla Hardup "Prince Charming requests that you attend the Grand Ball at the Royal Palace..."
What nonsense! Why would His Royal Highness invite a scruffy girl like Cinderella to the ball?

Buttons But Baroness Camilla, she simply has to go. Cinderella is the most wonderful girl in the
kingdom! Please let her have the invitation.

Camilla Hardup I can assure you, young man that the only ladies who will be going to the palace
with me tonight are my daughters Britney and Donatella.

Baroness Camilla tears up the invitation and throws the bits of torn paper up in the air. The Baroness
then exits with an evil laugh. Cinderella begins to cry.

Buttons Please don’t cry Cinders.

Cinderella For a moment there I really thought I might be able to go to the ball. But then, now that I
come to think about it, I have absolutely nothing to wear. I can't go to the palace in these tatty old rags.

Buttons Cinders, you'd look dazzling if you went to the ball wearing a black, plastic bin liner.

Cinderella Oh, Buttons, you are funny. You've really cheered me up. It's so nice to have a friend like
you.

Buttons and Cinderella sing a song together about being friends.

Song 6

At the end of the song...

Buttons Don't worry Cinders, I'm sure you'll go to the Palace one day.

Cinderella I wish that was true.

Enter Fairy Godmother.

Fairy Godmother Perhaps it is true, Cinderella.

Cinderella Who are you?

Buttons How did you get in here? You're not one of those door-to-door sales people, I hope.

Fairy Godmother No, young man, I am not selling anything. I was just wondering if I could sit down
for a moment. I've walked all the way from the village and my feet are killing me.

Cinderella Wait a moment, I recognise you now. You’re the lady I met in the woods. The one with
the kind face.

Fairy Godmother Cinderella, I am your Fairy Godmother...

Buttons No way!

Fairy Godmother Way! And I am going to use my magic powers to make sure that you do go to ball.
Cinderella But Fairy Godmother, I can't go dressed like this!

Fairy Godmother With the greatest respect, Cinderella, clothes are the least of your problem.
Cinderella Are they?

Fairy Godmother Because you don't even have a carriage to take you to the palace.

Buttons Can't we just call a minicab?

Fairy Godmother Of course not! You must arrive in style. So you'll need a coach and a driver, and a
couple of footmen. Oh, and a nice white horse.

Buttons Where are we going to get that lot? Amazon?

Fairy Godmother We will use magic, of course. First, I will need a pumpkin.

Cinderella We've got some pumpkins in the larder.

Buttons What else do we need?

Fairy Godmother We will need two lizards.

Cinderella We haven't got any lizards!

Buttons Who has lizards?

Fairy Godmother Oh dear. That's rather inconvenient. Do you have any frogs?

Cinderella No! Why would we have frogs?

Buttons I think there might be a few wiggly worms in the garden.

Fairy Godmother That will have to do. Now, let me see. A mouse?

Cinderella There's definitely a mouse living under the sink.

Fairy Godmother And a rat.

Cinderella Oh, the castle has hundreds of rats. They're everywhere.

Fairy Godmother Yuk.

Buttons So, what are you going to do with that lot?

Fairy Godmother I will use my magic wand...

She waves her magic wand around.

Fairy Godmother Hold on, it's not switched on.

She fiddles with it and switches it on. It glows at the end.

Fairy Godmother (Aside to audience) There we are. Lovely. Nice new batteries. (To Cinderella) I
will use my magic wand to turn the pumpkin into a coach made of gold.

Buttons I'd pay to see that.

Fairy Godmother The lizards, sorry, the wiggly worms will turn into two footmen.

Cinderella How wonderful!

Fairy Godmother The rat will become your coach driver...

Buttons Won't the rat need a driving licence?

Fairy Godmother Don't be sarcastic boy, I'm working here...

Buttons Sorry.

Fairy Godmother And the mouse will become the most handsome white horse you have ever seen.
Cinderella What about my dress ?

Fairy Godmother Oh, Cinderella, you really are quite obsessed with your appearance. There is
nothing quite as unattractive as a vain girl.

Buttons But Fairy Godmother, Cinderella has to wear something stunning!

Fairy Godmother Sigh! The clothes that you’re wearing now will magically turn into fine lace.
Cinderella Oooh...

Fairy Godmother Do you want to be dripping with jewels, or just have one tiny, understated little
diamond in your hair?

Cinderella Dripping in jewels, please.

Fairy Godmother Are you sure? Less is more.

Cinderella I'm sure.

Fairy Godmother Stockings of finest silk?

Cinderella Oh yes!

Fairy Godmother Right. I think that's everything.

Buttons What about shoes?

Fairy Godmother Well remembered, lad. What type of shoes would you like, Cinderella?
Cinderella It's so hard to choose.

Fairy Godmother Well hurry up. I haven't got all day.

Cinderella Can I be... awkward?

Fairy Godmother Awkward?

Cinderella I've always dreamed of wearing slippers that are fashioned from crystal glass.

Fairy Godmother Crystal glass?

Cinderella Yes.

Fairy Godmother Won't that be terribly uncomfortable?

Cinderella Oh please, Fairy Godmother.

Fairy Godmother They're your feet, dear. Very well. You shall have crystal slippers. What size are
you?

Cinderella Two and a half.

Fairy Godmother Wow! Small feet!

Buttons Small and dainty.

Fairy Godmother Ok, done.

Cinderella I'm so excited.

The Fairy Godmother, Buttons and Cinderella walk forward and the tabs close behind them.

Fairy Godmother Oh, there is one condition.

Cinderella Condition?

Fairy Godmother There's always small print.

Buttons What's the condition?

Fairy Godmother Oh, it's nothing too inconvenient. Just that Cinderella must leave the palace before
the stroke of midnight.

Cinderella Midnight? What happens if I leave after midnight?

Fairy Godmother My, my, you are a curious girl. You'll find all the terms and conditions on my web
site. Now, run along both of you and fetch everything we need.

Cinderella and Buttons exit.

Fairy Godmother (To audience) I don't know, kids today. What can you do with them?

The Fairy Godmother sings the first couple of verses of Song 7 to give Cinderella enough time to
change.

Song 6

F[alf way through the song, the tabs open.

Scene 8

On stage stands a golden coach with a driver and two footmen. There is a horse ready to pull the
coach. Villagers and courtiers enter and join in with the song. Escorted by Buttons, Cinderella enters
in her brand new dress and sparkling glass crystal slippers. She climbs into the coach and it begins to
move off

Curtain. INTERVAL

ACT II

Scene 1

The ballroom at the Royal Palace. Enter Buttons. Music under.

Buttons Hello boys and girls!

Audience Button up Buttons!

Buttons It's the night of the Grand Ball at the palace! I'm so excited! I'm going to be announcing all
the guests as they arrive. Imagine that! Maybe if I do an important job like that, Cinderella will fall in
love with me. Oh well, I can always dream...

Dancers and palace courtiers enter to join Buttons for the opening number of Act II.

Song 8

At the end of the song, enter the King and Queen.

Queen (To the king) Now, are you sure everything is ready for the ball?

King Absolutely, my dear. I think Mr Muggsy and Mr Puggsy have done a splendid job.

Queen Where did you find those two, anyway?

King I put an advert on Gumtree.

Queen How many replies did you get?

King A quarter of a million. But those two were the only applicants who were actually party planners.
Queen Well, I think they're a very dodgy pair.

They notice Muggsy and Puggsy.

King Ah ! Here they are now. Everything all set for the ball, gentlemen?

Muggsy Yes, Your Majesty.

King Have you plumped the cushions?

Puggsy All of them, Your Majesty.

King Have you cooked the sausage rolls?

Muggsy Mary Berry's own recipe, Your Majesty.

King Have you folded the table napkins into the shapes of little animals and birds?

Puggsy Swans, geese, rabbits and a dozen frogs, Your Majesty.

King Excellent! Have you hung up the little fairy lights?

Muggsy Two and a half thousand of them, Your Majesty. Assorted colours.

King And is the dance floor nice and smooth and shiny so I can slide on it?

Puggsy As smooth as ice, Your Majesty. Torville & Dean are testing it now.

King Bravo!

Queen Has my son arrived yet?

Muggsy Not yet your majesty.

King Well I wish he'd hurry up. He's supposed to be greeting the guests with us tonight.

Muggsy (to the queen) Are you looking forward to the ball. Your Majesty?

Queen I'm looking forward to finding someone to marry Prince Charming!

Puggsy Naturally, Your Majesty. Someone witty and pretty and....

Queen Witty and pretty? I don't care if they look like Danny DeVito as long as they're stinking rich
and they own a huge palace.

Enter Buttons in grand uniform, muttering nervously under his breath to himself.

Buttons Har, yar bibberty, bobberty, fiddly fish. Har, yar bibberty, bobberty, fiddly fish...

King Ah, here comes Buttons. Time for the off, I think!

Buttons addresses the guests.

Buttons Your Majesties, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Grand Ball at the Royal Palace!
Applause.

Buttons Please welcome his Royal Highness Prince Charming!

Prince Charming enters with Dandini.

Dandini (Whispering to Prince Charming) Do you mind if I just quickly check something, Your
Highness.

Prince Charming Of course.

Dandini Am I still you, or am I back to being me again?

Prince Charming You're back to being you again. I'm me and you're you.

Dandini But am I me as you, or am I me as me?

Prince Charming You're me as me. I mean, you're you as you.

Dandini You as you?

Prince Charming No, you as you. Which isn't me, it's you.

Dandini So, just to summarise...

Prince Charming Ssssh.

Prince Charming joins the king and queen.

Prince Charming Mother, father. You wanted to see me?

King Yes we did. Now, don't forget, there will be lots of eligible...

Queen Rich...

King Young women here this evening.

Queen Your father and I feel confident that your new princess will be somewhere in this room. All
you have to do is find her. She'll probably be the one wearing the most diamonds and sapphires.

Prince Charming You make it sound like a celebrity auction, mother. Do my own feelings count for
nothing?

Queen Well, I can assure you of one thing, my boy, if you don’t choose a wife, I will choose one for
you.

Buttons (Announcing) Ladies and gentlemen, the Baron and Baroness and their two... (coughs)...
lovely daughters.

King They're late.

Muggsy They've been making themselves stunning for the ball.

Puggsy This morning I saw their wigs being delivered on the back of an articulated lorry from Eddie
Stobbart.

The Ugly Sisters enter. They are dressed to kill. Prince Charming and Dandini greet them and the
Baron and Baroness.

Prince Charming Welcome to the Royal Palace, Baron and Baroness. And of course a very special
welcome to your lovely daughters.

Donatella Hello, Prince Wincey, we are absolutely thrilled to be at the ball!

Britney Yes, I think I speak for both myself and my sister when I say that we are quite literally peeing
our pants to be here.

Donatella Quite literally.

Prince Charming But Baroness Camilla, isn’t one of your family missing?

Dandini Surely we delivered another invitation to Hardup Castle!

Camilla Hardup I can assure your Royal Highness, that all of my party are here.

Donatella (To the Prince) Are you looking forward to dancing with us, Princey Wincey?

Prince Charming Of course. I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Puggsy (To Buttons) How are you enjoying being the master of ceremonies, Buttons?

Buttons It's very exciting. Much more fun than being a servant at the castle. Thank you so much for
all your advice and for giving me the chance to do it.

Muggsy Well, you know what they say, lad. "If you ain't got confidence, you ain't got nothin'."
Buttons, Muggsy and Puggsy perform, a very showbizzy song and dance routine.

Song 9

After the routine, the king and queen appear with Prince Charming.

King Come on lad, why aren't you talking to any of these young ladies? You'll never find a wife at
this rate. What about that very pretty girl over there?

Prince Charming She was in my class at school. She's got terrible bad breath.

King Really?

Prince Charming Quite unbearable.

King Is she rich?

Prince Charming Oh, yes.

King Well, put on a cycling mask and go and talk to her.

Prince Charming Father, really!

Queen What about that girl over there? She's delightful.

Prince Charming But mother, she has an awful laugh.

Queen So, don't tell her any jokes!

Prince Charming Mother, please. I did send an invitation to a very special girl. But she doesn't seem
to have turned up.

Buttons Your Majesties... ladies and gentlemen... please welcome our very special guest of honour
this evening... the Masked Lady!

Fanfare. Enter Cinderella. She holds an elegant mask over her eyes. Buttons escorts her into the room.
Queen Guest of honour? What guest of honour?

Britney O-M-G, it's Lady Gaga!

Donatella Either that or it's the Lone Ranger in drag.

Britney (Aside) Lone Ranger?

Donatella (Aside) One for the granddads.

Buttons (Aside to Cinders) Cinderella, you look amazing!

Prince Charming is clearly very taken with this masked beauty.

Prince Charming Wow! What an entrance!

Cinderella (Whispers) I'm so nervous, Buttons. I don't know whether I can go through with this.

Buttons (Whispers) You'll be fine, Cinders. But before you go on, I think there's something you should
know....

Cinderella (Whispers) What?

Buttons (Whispers) Dandini isn’t Dandini.

Cinderella (Whispers) Dandini isn’t Dandini? Well, who is he then?

Buttons (Whispers) Dandini is Prince Charming.

Cinderella (Whispers) Dandini isn’t Dandini he's Prince Charming?

Buttons Yes.

Cinderella (Shouts) What???

Every’one turns and looks at Cinderella momentarily. Then they turn back to their conversations.
Cinderella (To Buttons) I mean (Whispers) "What?"

Buttons The Prince disguised himself as his servant because he wanted to meet you.

Cinderella I can't go through with this, Buttons. I want to go home.

Buttons You can't go home. You're the Masked Lady and you're about to be the Belle of the Ball.
Cinderella I'm scared.

Prince Charming I simply have to know, who is that Masked Lady?

Cinderella steps into the spotlight and sings like an angel.

Song 10

At the end of the song the guests go wild with applause.

Donatella (Aside to Britney) Are you sure that isn't Lady Gaga?

Britney No. Her feet are way too small.

Prince Charming runs towards Cinderella and they embrace. Romantic waltz music begins to play.
Prince Charming May I have this dance, mysterious lady?

Cinderella You may.

The Prince and Cinderella dance a great swirling waltz.

Cinderella I'm dancing with a prince. It can't be true. It's all like a wonderful dream.

Prince Charming You are so graceful and elegant. Do I dare ask you to take off your mask?

Cinderella Perhaps, when we get to know each other a little better, Prince Charming.

Prince Charming Very well. But in the meantime, please allow me to show you around the Royal
Palace.

Cinderella Oh dear, I'd love to but I'm afraid I have to leave before midnight.

Queen (To the King) It seems our son has made up his mind at last. But I wish we knew who that girl
was.

King (To the Queen) Surely it doesn't matter, dear, as long as he's happy.

Baron Hardup (To the Baroness) My dear, don't you think that girl in the mask looks a little like
Cinderella?

Camilla Hardup (To the Baron ) Cinderella? Cinderella? But the girl in the mask is beautiful!

Baron Hardup (To the Baroness) But so is Cinderella. It's such a pity she's not here to meet the
prince.

Camilla Hardup (To the Baron ) There's something strange about that girl. Who wears a mask unless
they have something to hide?

Donatella grabs Puggsy and waltzes with him around.

Donatella Oh Mr. Puggsy. You're so strong and dominant. You could turn a girl's head.

Puggsy In your case I'd like to grab hold of it and turn it about 360 degrees.

Prince Charming and Cinderella dance to the front of the stage.

Prince Charming Mysterious lady, you dance sublimely.

Cinderella Oh, Prince Charming, I could dance with you all night!

Enter Fairy Godmother who talks to Buttons.

Fairy Godmother Buttons, the hour fast approaches when Cinderella has to be gone. You must go
and warn her.

Buttons I'll try my best, Fairy Godmother, but I think she's going to take some shifting.

Fairy Godmother But didn't Cinderella read the terms and conditions? Doesn't she know that at the
stroke of midnight her lovely clothes will disappear and she will once again be dressed in rags?

Buttons Oh dear. (To audience) This is going to get worse before its gets better.

The Fairy Godmother exits. The clock begins to chime twelve. Cinderella reacts as she hears the clock.

Cinderella On no! It’s twelve o’clock already! I have to go!

Prince Charming Don't go!

Cinderella Thank you for a wonderful evening.

Prince Charming But I don't have your phone number!

Cinderella Good-bye, Prince Charming.

Buttons and Cinderella beat a hasty retreat.

Prince Charming Please don’t leave! I love you! Come back, fascinating Masked Lady!

Enter Dandini.

Prince Charming Dandini?

Dandini She's gone. She just vanished into the night.

Prince Charming No!

Dandini But she left this. On the staircase.

Dandini hands a glass slipper to the prince. The king and queen, Baron and Baroness Hardup and the
Ugly Sisters gather to see what has happened.

Prince Charming A crystal glass slipper. She's left nothing but this slipper.

Dandini It's tiny. She must have very small feet.

Britney (Whispers) Who wears glass slippers?

Donatella (Whispers) Health and Safety nightmare!

Britney (Whispers) They must have been agony to dance in.

Dandini (To the Ugly Sisters) Sssssh!

Prince Charming The one girl I could have shared my life with has vanished, and all I have left is this
crystal slipper. What am I going to do?

King Well I should have thought that was fairly obvious, boy.

Prince Charming What?

King You must find that girl!

Queen Absolutely! What are you waiting for?

Prince Charming You’re right! I'll do it!

Britney (Dabbing her eyes) I'm filling up.

The Prince holds up the slipper.

Prince Charming I hereby proclaim, "Whoever this crystal slipper fits shall become my bride”. We
will search every house in the kingdom until the girl is found!

Grand music. Tabs close. Enter Dandini and Buttons on tabs.

Dandini Well, now the Prince loves two girls. Cinderella and the mysterious Masked Lady. What a
muddle.

Buttons Oh, I've got a feeling that the muddle will sort itself out fairly soon, Dandini.

Dandini Let's hope so.

Buttons But that still doesn't help the fact I'm in love with Cinderella as well.

Dandini I had a feeling that was true. I saw the way you looked at her at the Palace.

Buttons Oh well...

Dandini I'll tell you what, Buttons. Why don't we sing a song to cheer you up. You'll help us with that,
won't you boys and girls?

Audience Yes!

Buttons And all the grown-ups too?

Audience Yes!

Dandini Ok, here we go.

Dandini brings on a big board with lyrics on it and he and Buttons sing a noisy audience participation
song.

Song 11

At the end of the song, tabs open on a dark, spooky bedroom at Hardup Castle. A portrait that looks
like Baron Hardup hangs in the centre of the back wall. There's a big double bed downstage centre,
and a large cupboard upstage right.

Scene 2

Enter Muggsy, Puggsy and Buttons, who is struggling to cany the visitors' suitcases.

Muggsy I don't want to stay at the castle again tonight. I want to stay at the Palace with all the posh
people.

Buttons Well I'm sorry but the Palace is full.

Puggsy Can't we stay at the Hilton?

Buttons Full.

Muggsy There's a nice little Bed & Breakfast in the village.

Buttons Full.

Muggsy Oh dear.

Puggsy And why can't we have the nice comfortable room we had last night?

Buttons It's still being fumigated.

Muggsy Charming.

Buttons So you'll have to sleep in this room tonight. The darkest, creepiest room in the castle.

Puggsy Is it haunted?

Buttons Of course it's haunted. It's a panto!

Muggsy I want to go home.

Buttons Well you can't. You've missed the last bus.

Puggsy When's the next bus.

Buttons Next Thursday. Now, why don't you both go to bed.

Muggsy Good idea.

Puggsy looks at the portrait on the wall. The eyes are moving.

Puggsy That's weird.

Muggsy What?

Puggsy I could have sworn the eyes on that portrait are following us around the room.

Muggsy Nonsense.

Puggsy Alright, I'll show you. Follow me.

Accompanied by creepy music, Muggsy, Puggsy and Buttons stride across the stage and back again.
The eyes on the portrait follow them all the way.

Puggsy See, I told you.

Buttons There's no need to be scared of a dusty old painting. The eyes on paintings always follow you
around the room.

Muggsy Do they?

Buttons That is a portrait of Baron Hardup's great, great, great, great, great, great, grandfather.
Muggsy & Puggsy (together) Great, great, great, great, great, grandfather?

Buttons No. You missed a "great".

Muggsy & Puggsy (together) Great, great, great, great, great, great , grandfather.

Buttons Correct. I like to think of that painting as the old man keeping an eye on the guests.

Muggsy Well it's giving me the willies.

Buttons You'll just have to put up with it. I will bid you good night, gentlemen. Sleep well.

Buttons exits. Muggsy gets into bed, fully clothed.

Muggsy I don't want that painting watching me all night. Go and hang your coat over it.

Puggsy Righto.

Puggsy tries to drape his coat over the portrait, but the coat keeps falling down as soon as he has
walked away from it. He goes back and tries again three times then gives up.

Puggsy Oh bother! I'll go and hang it up in the cupboard instead.

Puggsy opens the door on the left side of the cupboard. There's a skeleton inside. He slams the door
shut.

Puggsy Uggghhhhh!

Muggsy (Getting up) What is it now?

Puggsy In the c-c-cupboard.

Muggsy What's in the cupboard?

Puggsy A skelling-ton.

Muggsy A what?

Puggsy A skelling-ton.

Muggsy You mean "skeleton".

Puggsy Skelling-ton.

Muggsy Skeleton.

Puggsy Skelling-ton.

Muggsy Skeleton.

Puggsy Well I don't care what it's called, it's in there. If you don't believe me, go and look.

Muggsy opens the door on the left side of the cupboard. It's now empty.

Muggsy There's nothing in there.

Puggsy Try the other door.

Muggsy opens the door on the right of the cupboard. The skeleton is there now. He slams the door shut
again.

Muggsy Ugghhhhhh! You're right. It's a skeleton!

Puggsy Skelling-ton.

Muggsy Skeleton.

Puggsy Skelling-ton.

Muggsy I'm going back to bed.

The pair both get into bed and pull the covers up as far as their noses.

Puggsy I don't like it here.

Muggsy I don't suppose there's a real ghost in the castle.

Puggsy You don't think there's a real ghost here, do you boys and girls?

A ghost appears upstage behind them and quickly crosses the stage.

Audience Behind you!

Muggsy What's that? Did you see a ghost?

The pair turn around to look. The ghost is gone.

Puggsy There's no ghost. The boys and girls are just trying to scare us. You're just trying to scare us,
aren't you kids?

A ghost appears again upstage.

Audience Behind you!

Muggsy Now what? What's all the fuss about? We know there's nothing there.

They turn around and the ghost has disappeared again. Puggsy takes a camera and a tripod out of one
of his bags and begins to set it up.

Puggsy I'll tell you what, I'll set up my camera and if there's a ghost we'll catch it on video.

Muggsy Good idea.

Puggsy finishes setting up the camera behind the bed and he points it at the back wall. Then he gets
back into bed.

Puggsy Right, I'm going to sleep. Goodnight.

Muggsy Goodnight.

The ghost appears again. It steals the camera and quickly disappears.

Audience Behind you!

Puggsy (sitting up) What's that? Did you see something, boys and girls?

Muggsy Go and check the camera. If there was a ghost, the camera will have recorded it.

Puggsy goes to look for the camera. It’s not there.

Puggsy The camera's gone.

Muggsy stays in bed under the covers.

Muggsy Gone? It can't be gone. You're imagining things.

Puggsy Did you see who took the camera, boys and girls?

The audience noisily explain to Puggsy what has happened to the camera.

Muggsy Just go to sleep.

Puggsy I'll try.

Puggsy gets back into bed. The ghost appears one last time and returns the camera.

Audience Behind you!

Muggsy and Puggsy jump out of bed.

Muggsy What? What is it?

Puggsy The camera's back!

Muggsy What do you mean, it's back? It never went anywhere in the first place, you great nelly! You
imagined the whole thing! There's no ghost!

Puggsy Well, if there's no ghost, there's only one explanation.

Muggsy What?

Puggsy The camera must have been taken ...

Muggsy By who?

Puggsy The skelling-ton.

Muggsy Skeleton!!!

Puggsy Skelling-ton.

Muggsy Skeleton!

Puggsy Skelling-ton.

Muggsy Skeleton!

Puggsy Well, whatever you call it, it's a big scary pile of bones, it's escaped from a graveyard, and it's
coming to get us!

Muggsy Calm down. I'm sure it can't hurt you.

At this point the skeleton climbs out of the cupboard and creeps towards them. The audience scream
their warnings.

Audience Behind you!

Muggsy What's that? What's behind us?

Puggsy Oh, they're just trying to scare us again.

The pair turn around and see the skeleton. It chases them around the bed.

Muggsy & Puggsy Agggghhhhhhhh! Skelling-ton!!!

They run offpursued by the skeleton. Tabs close to the sound of a ghostly laugh. Enter Prince
Charming on tabs.

Prince Charming I just can’t understand why the Masked Lady ran away. I wonder what was wrong.
She seemed so happy. But I will find her. Tomorrow I'll take that crystal glass slipper to every house in
the Kingdom until I find a girl whose foot fits it. And when I find her, I will marry her.

Prince Charming sings a love song.

Song 12

At the end of the song Prince Charming exits.

Scene 3

Tabs open to reveal Hardup Castle. It’s the next day. A cockerel crows. We can hear the dawn chorus.
Enter Buttons.

Buttons Hello boys and girls!

Audience Button up Buttons!

Buttons Welcome to the morning after the night before. I didn't sleep very well. I had a strange dream
about Cinderella dancing with the prince and then running off and dropping her slipper on the staircase.
And then when I woke up I remembered that it wasn't a dream at all. It was all true. But then, anything
can happen in a pantomime.

The doorbell rings.

Buttons Now, who can that be?

Buttons runs off stage to open the door and quickly returns with Prince Charming and Dandini who is
carrying the glass slipper on a cushion.

Buttons Your Highness.

Prince Charming Good morning, Buttons.

The Baron and Baroness come running in.

Baroness Camilla Visitors at this hour? ( She sees that it's the Prince.) Ah, your Royal Highness...
Prince Charming As you know, I am visiting every household in the kingdom...

Baron Hardup How's that working out for you?

Dandini We have searched high and low and this is the Prince's final call.

Buttons Already? You were up early!

Dandini We have been to every single house, but we are yet to find a foot that the crystal glass slipper
fits.

Camilla Hardup Well, I'm sure my daughters Britney and Donatella will be only too happy to try it
on for size.

Prince Charming Very well.

Dandini (whispers to Prince Charming) Are you sure you want to do this? It can't be either of them.
They were both in the room while you were dancing with the Masked Lady.

Prince Charming (Whispers to Dandini) Those are the rules. I have to be fair. Whoever the shoe fits
will be my wife.

Dandini (Whisper) But what if it fits one of the Ugly Sisters?

Prince Charming (Whisper) It won't fit one of the Ugly Sisters. They both have feet the size of Wales.

Camilla Hardup The last call you say? (Calling out) Donatella! Britney! Prince Charming is here to
see you!

Donatella & Britney (offstage) Coming mummy!

Wearing comical night attire, the Ugly Sisters appear in an instant.

Buttons (To audience) That was quick. They must have been listening at the door.

Donatella Your Highness, Dandini. How lovely to see you.

Britney Oh, how kind of you to return my glass slipper! I must have dropped it at the palace.
Donatella Your glass slipper? No it isn't you lying old bag! It's my glass slipper!

Camilla Hardup Girls, please! Prince Charming is here so that you can try the slipper on.

Dandini Yes, ladies. You must both try on the slipper.

Camilla Hardup Just to be absolutely clear on this, if the slipper fits either Britney or Donatella, you
will marry them.

Prince Charming Yes.

Camilla Hardup No catches.

Prince Charming No.

Camilla Hardup No pre-nup.

Prince Charming No.

Donatella I'll go first. I have such pretty little feet.

Donatella grabs a stool and sits down. The Prince tries to get the shoe onto her foot.

Dandini It doesn't fit.

Donatella Let me take me sock off.

She removes a long stripy sock and tries again without success.

Baroness Camilla Try the other foot!

Dandini The other foot??? But it's a left shoe!

Donatella I don't care!

Groaning with pain, she tries it on the other foot.

Prince Charming I’m sorry Donatella... the slipper definitely does not fit you!

Dandini (Whispers) Phew!

Donatella I knew I should have had plastic surgery on me great big feet.

Britney (To Donatella) You'd need more than plastic surgery to fit that shoe. You'd need to have all
your toes cut off.

Donatella (To Britney) Wash your mouth out with soap.

Britney My turn! My turn!

Britney sits on the stool and tries to fit the slipper on her foot.

Britney (Grunting and groaning) Come on, come on, come on, come on! YES!!! It fits! I've done it.
I'm a Princess!!!

Dandini What???

Prince Charming That's impossible. It can't fit. Let me see.

She reveals the shoe dangling from her big toe.

Prince Charming It doesn't fit.

Britney It fits my big toe. You didn't say anything about it fitting the wholefood.

Dandini Nasty moment.

Prince Charming Well, it seems that my search has proved fruitless. We will be on our way.
Dandini Unless, of course, there are any other eligible ladies in the house.

Camilla Hardup I'll have a go. Give it here.

Britney You're married, mother.

Camilla Hardup Oh, yes. I forgot.

Baron Hardup What about Cinderella?

Donatella Cinderella?

Prince Charming (As if in a dream) Cinderella!

Baron Hardup Buttons, fetch Cinderella from the kitchen.

Buttons exits.

Baron Hardup Surely Cinderella must be eligible to try on the glass slipper.

Donatella Oh, no she isn't!

Baron Hardup Yes she is!

Donatella & Britney Oh, no she isn't!

Baron Hardup Oh, yes she is!

Ad lib with audience.

Britney But Cinderella is a servant girl!

Donatella She's common as muck!

Enter Buttons with Cinderella.

Baron Hardup Here's my daughter, Your Highness.

The Prince takes her by the hand.

Prince Charming We've met before, I believe?

Cinderella That's true, Your Highness.

Prince Charming Cinderella! Or should I say "The Masked Lady"?

All Gasp!

Cinderella Yes, it's true. I was the Masked Lady. But only for one night. I’m sorry for deceiving you,
Prince Charming.

Prince Charming It doesn't matter. All that matters now is that we spend the rest of our lives together.
They kiss.

All Aaaaaahhh!

Dandini (Offering her the glass slipper) Cinderella...

Cinderella sits on the stool and puts on the slipper.

Prince Charming It's a perfect fit! I proclaim that Cinderella will be my bride! With your permission,
of course Baron Hardup?

Baron Hardup Permission granted.

Britney (sobbing) We're ruined! Ruined! How are we ever going to get married now?

Donatella We'll be a couple of dried up old maids.

Britney We need a miracle! A miracle!

Enter Muggsy and Puggsy
Muggsy Hello everyone!

Donatella Ooh, look what just walked in, a miracle.

Muggsy We just wanted to say goodbye before we left.

Puggsy And thank you for your hospitality.

Britney (To Puggsy) You! Get over here. You've pulled.

Puggsy Oh dear.

Donatella (To Muggsy) And you! Play your cards right, and I'm all yours.

Puggsy (To Muggsy) Puggsy, I don't know about you...

Muggsy (To Puggsy) What?

Puggsy (To Muggsy) But I'd rather get married to a skelling-ton.

Puggsy runs off. Muggsy runs after him.

Muggsy (Calling out) It's skeleton! SKELETON!!!

The Ugly Sisters run after them.

Britney (Calling out) Ooooh, oooh! Come back here, boys!

Donatella (Calling out) We need you to give us a foot rub!

Ugly Sisters exit. Enter King and Queen.

King (To Prince Charming) So, my lad, you did manage to track down the mysterious Masked Lady?
Prince Charming I did indeed, father. Here she is.

Queen Her? But she’s dressed in rags!

Prince Charming This is Cinderella. She was the Masked Lady who won everyone's hearts at the
ball! She is going to be my wife.

King Congratulations, lad!

Queen And she isn't rich?

Prince Charming I'm afraid not, mother. But her father is a baron.

Queen A baron? Oh well, I suppose minor aristocracy is better than nothing. I give you my blessing,
my boy.

King In that case, we have a wedding to arrange. We'll need those two party planners again.

Buttons I've got a feeling they'll be back at any minute.

Camilla Hardup If only Britney and Donatella could find happiness as well!

Enter Britney and Donatella dragging Muggsy and Puggsy behind them.

Britney We have found happiness, mummy!

Buttons I knew it.

Donatella They were in the castle grounds.

Britney They'd dug a great big hole and they were trying to bury themselves alive.

Donatella But we found them! And now we're all going to live happily ever after, aren't we boys?
Muggsy (To Puggsy) I don't remember saying that. Do you remember saying that?

Puggsy (To audience) I need a drink.

Camilla Hardup And I'd better buy a new hat. It looks like we're going to be having three weddings
All Hooray

Fanfare. Tabs close. Enter Fairy Godmother on tabs. Music under.

Fairy Godmother Now it's almost time to go and leave our pantomime.

We hope you've liked our story and have had a special time.

The prince has found his princess after waiting all his life,

Cinderella's found her prince and will soon become his wife.

We've learned that daydreams can come true and life's a carousel,

But gold and riches aren't enough, we must have love as well.

We've laughed, we've cried, we've shouted but the time has come at last
To open up the curtains and say farewell to our cast!

Music swells. Tabs open for...

Scene 4

Walk down and Grand Finale with full company.

Song 13

Curtain

Appendix

Song suggestions for musical items in Cinderella Superstar.

Song 1

Comedy Tonight - A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum
Let's Get Ready To Rumble (Replace "Rumble" with "Panto")

I Gotta Feelin - Black Eyed Peas.

Consider Yourself - Oliver
Reach - S Club 7.

Song 2

Bad Guys - Bugsy Malone. (Replace "guys" with "girls" for Ugly Sisters)
No More Mr Nice Guy - Alice Cooper. (Replace "guy" with "girl")
Trouble - Leiber and Stoller.

Bad Moon Rising - Credence Clearwater Revival.

Song 3

You're the One That I Want - Grease.

Stuck Like Glue - Sugarland.

What Do I Do Now? - A Slice of Saturday Night.

As Long As You're Mine - Wicked

Song 4

These Boots Are Made for Walkin’ - Nancy Sinatra
You're My Favourite Waste of Time - Marshal Crenshaw

Song 5

It Must Be Love - Labi Siffre.

The Best Song Ever - One Direction.

If I Loved You - Carousel.

I Would Walk Five Hundred Miles - The Proclaimers.

Grow Old With Me - Tom Odell.

Song 6

Me and My Shadow - Frank Sinatra
You've Got a Friend - Carole King
Friendship - Anything Goes
You've Got a Friend in Me - Randy Newman

Song 7

Celebration - Kool and the Gang.

Happy - Pharrell Williams.

Live While We're Young - One Direction
Walking on Sunshine - Katrina and the Waves.

Song 8

Who Will Buy? - Oliver
It's a Kind of Magic - Queen.

Everything’s Coming Up Roses - Gypsy

Song 9

That's Entertainment - The Band Wagon
There's No Business Like Showbusiness - Annie Get Your Gun
Give My Regards To Broadway - George M. Cohan
/ Wanna Be a Producer - Mel Brooks / The Producers

Song 10

A Moment Like This - Leona Lewis
That's My Goal - Shayne Ward

Hallelujah - Alexandra Burke
Ghost - Ella Henderson.

Song 11

One Finger, One Thumb

If I Were Not Upon the Stage

Heads and Shoulders, Knees and Toes

Superman

Simple Simon Says

Song 12

Something I Need - Ben Haenow
When We Collide - Matt Cardie
You're Beautiful - James Blunt

Song 13

We Go Together - Grease.

Can 7 Stop the Beat - Hairspray.

Flash Bang Wallop - Half a Sixpence.
Everything is Awesome - Lego Movie

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